Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Still i forget

18 months home and sometimes i forget.  I forget i didn't give birth to her.  I forget she hasn't always been here. She fills my arms and my heart and i simply forget.  Until she does something that shatters my heart for her again.

Lanie is still sleeping in a crib in our room, b/c of her recent heart surgery and we want to keep an eye on her.  She was going to sleep tonight and i was reading in bed mostly tuning her out.  I heard her breathing even out and she started to snore a bit and it made me smile to myself.  She choked and woke up and i heard her bouncing.  I tuned it out at first but the noise continued and i looked over to make sure she was okay.

She was sitting straight up, bouncing herself.  To soothe herself.  B/c no one ever did.  So she sits and bounces and falls asleep and wakes herself up falling.  B/c she didn't have a mama or a papa to do it for her when she was a baby.  B/c even 18 months of loving her with our whole hearts isn't enough to undo the damage laying in a crib does.  She doesn't even look for us to soothe her in the night most of the time, b/c she simply doesn't remember it's an option.  She soothes herself, b/c that's all she knew when she was alone for so long.

And that shatters me.  Sometimes i think i will never find all the pieces of my heart that raising wounded children has given me.  I gather them close and hope it's enough for them.  I try not to die a little inside each time these things catch me off guard.  I long for the day she cries every single time she is upset or bored or chokes in the middle of the night.  For her to know that we are here and we will make it better.  One day maybe.  I can hope anyway.

I've often said, i don't mourn her diagnosis, b/c she wouldn't be here in this house most likely without it.  But the time spent alone, waiting to be chosen, to be seen, it eats at me. Burns me up and breaks me when i see her soothing herself, or see Jo so fearful to try new things, b/c she was left for so long with nothing new at all, or see Eli still struggle with attachment and try to push us away when he is feeling unsure of something.

 It's why we are doing this thing again.  Bringing more children into the home.  Children who are broken and lost.  Children who may never feel whole again.  B/c they were left for so very long.  There's a song we listen to on the radio a lot that says

 "Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and Ill bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we'll last forever is broken together"

And i think. maybe it's true.  Maybe we can just be broken together. Maybe we can heal each others hearts.  Maybe it's enough.  I might not ever be able to fill in those holes for my children.  Maybe i'm not meant to.  Maybe i'm just supposed to be here, for them, with them.  Loving them as best i know how.