Healing

Adoption is hard.  Adoption is always, ALWAYS born from loss.  Loss on both sides.  Biological parents choosing or being coerced into giving up their children.  Babies, newly born or children home for years loosing their first parents.  There is no way to pretty it up.  Regardless of new families made and second parents filled with joy, it all starts with loss.  This does damage in ways that we may never see the end of. 

All three of my adopted children were given up at birth.  I have no idea of the real reasons they were given up and am fairly certain I never will.  I work on making peace with this.  I work on choosing to let go of MY anger, bc if they hadn't been given up, they wouldn't be sleeping peacefully in my house right now.  No one can tell the future, and I don't know if their first parents would have still chosen to give them up knowing what they would go through waiting for a forever family. 

Jocelyn's referral picture.  15 pounds at age 6. 

It's not a secret that Jocelyn is very, very small, even for a child with Down Syndrome.  We have lots of suspicions about how she was or was not treated in the orphanage.  I do know that when we first brought her home, she would flinch if I moved quickly.  She would always insist on sitting in my lap with her back to my chest.  Never would she willingly face me.  Eye contact was fleeting at best.  She would bite if she got overexcited or we held her facing us. 

Jocelyn on pick up trip.  Sad and scared.  Afraid to trust

We knew going into her adoption that she was very delayed.  We knew she might not ever make progress.  We were ok with that.  She was ours, and we accepted her for who she was.  But oh, how wrong we were.  This child.  This child I am blessed to call mine.  She lived for 7 years in a cold lonely crib.  At a minimum she was ignored, and at a maximum, well, I don't like to think about that.  She shames me with her joy.  When I am frustrated with daily life, she is always filled with love and joy.  She is always ready with a joyful heart to love and be loved. 

Jocelyn filled with joy.  She was waiting to bloom.

I thought I would spend my days helping HER heal, and in truth, she has been healing cracks in my heart that I didn't even know were there.  She follows me around the house, scooting on her butt, and sometimes she is so silent I don't know she is behind me until I feel her teeny hand touching my calf as I cook or clean.  She willingly and lovingly sits facing me know.  She reaches up to touch my face, to bring my attention back to her if she feels I am not paying attention to her. 

Choosing to give and accept love

She offers up her cheek for kisses when I come in close.  Just the last few days, she has started pressing her lips to mine after I kiss her.  She leans in softly, hesitantly, and presses her tiny little lips to mine.  It breaks my heart every single time and fills it beyond imagine every single time.  Sometimes I weep thinking of her so alone for so long, and in the same minute I laugh thinking of her sassy face and her tinkling giggle. 

So healing is coming for us all.  Some faster than others.  Some aren't ready to heal.  Some refuse to accept love because that is just to scary still.  And that is okay.  We will continue to pursue all of are children.  We will offer love and not have any expectations that they "need" to love us back.  That is not why we adopted.  We can offer love and hope that one day they will all accept it.  Until then, we will soak up all the love from this little one!