Dear Birth Mother

Dear Birth Mother:

Tomorrow is Lanie's 4th birthday.  I've been thinking of you all day today.  Were you feeling labor pains 4 years ago today?  Were you eagerly anticipating the birth of your baby?  Were you dreaming of that baby's future?  What you would do with her?  I wonder how you felt when you found out she had Down Syndrome.  When you knew your future dreams for her were not to be.  Did a doctor tell you to leave her?  Were you bullied?  Did your mama heart mourn for her?  Are you thinking of her today?

I look at my biological children and I can pick out who has what feature.   Thomas looks like his Daddy, Luci is a mix, Gwen looks like me. I see us in them.  I don't see us in her. 

When I look at her, I think, you must have been beautiful, because she is too. 

You must have been funny, because she is too. 

You must have had light, straight hair and ever changing eyes, because she does too. 

You  must have had long eyelashes, because hers are impossibly long and lovely. 

I wonder if you had a temper, because she does too. 

When I look at her, I grieve that she waited so long for us.  I grieve for you, because she is amazing.  I get to watch her move and grow and learn.   I hope you know somehow that she is safe.  That she is loved.  I hope your heart can be eased in someway. 

 She stopped crying when I picked her up today.  First time she has done that.  The hard shell she holds so close is cracking slowly.  She is learning to trust that we will be here.  That we will treat her gently.  That something outside herself can be interesting.

She holds my heart, and I am trying my hardest to win hers.  When I rock her and she finally decides to snuggle close, sometimes I just sit and watch her breath.  I think, she is a fighter.  She went through heart failure and open heart surgery and ecmo and she did it alone.  You must have been a fighter too.  One day it will be easier to raise a child with a disability in your country. 

Some promises to you, from one mama to another.  I promise I will love her with all my heart forever.  I promise to hug and kiss her everyday.  I promise to continue to be thankful that you gave her life.  I promise to hold her and encourage her to try her hardest, even when she doesn't want to be pushed forward.  I promise to fight for her.  For medical care and education and whatever she needs.  I will fight with my last breath to do right by her.  From one mama to another, I will fight for both of us, because she is worth it.