Saturday, October 18, 2014

Metcha month

Happy Metcha month sweet dude.  Your picture rocked our world and you haven't stopped since.

Heard this song while I was folding laundry today, it always makes me smile and think of you. 

I'm saying yes to You
And no to my desires
I'll leave myself behind
And follow You
I'll walk the narrow road
'cause it leads me to You
I'll fall but grace
Will pick me up again

I've counted up the cost
Oh I've counted up the cost
Yes I've counted up the cost
And You are worth it

I do not need safety
As much as I need You
You're dangerous
But Lord You're beautiful
I'll chase You through the pain
I'll carry my cross
'cause real love
Is not afraid to bleed
Take my all
Take my everything

 I've counted up the cost
And You're worth everything

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Dear Birth Mother

Dear Birth Mother:

Tomorrow is Lanie's 4th birthday.  I've been thinking of you all day today.  Were you feeling labor pains 4 years ago today?  Were you eagerly anticipating the birth of your baby?  Were you dreaming of that baby's future?  What you would do with her?  I wonder how you felt when you found out she had Down Syndrome.  When you knew your future dreams for her were not to be.  Did a doctor tell you to leave her?  Were you bullied?  Did your mama heart mourn for her?  Are you thinking of her today?

I look at my biological children and I can pick out who has what feature.   Thomas looks like his Daddy, Luci is a mix, Gwen looks like me. I see us in them.  I don't see us in her. 

When I look at her, I think, you must have been beautiful, because she is too. 

You must have been funny, because she is too. 

You must have had light, straight hair and ever changing eyes, because she does too. 

You  must have had long eyelashes, because hers are impossibly long and lovely. 

I wonder if you had a temper, because she does too. 

When I look at her, I grieve that she waited so long for us.  I grieve for you, because she is amazing.  I get to watch her move and grow and learn.   I hope you know somehow that she is safe.  That she is loved.  I hope your heart can be eased in someway. 

 She stopped crying when I picked her up today.  First time she has done that.  The hard shell she holds so close is cracking slowly.  She is learning to trust that we will be here.  That we will treat her gently.  That something outside herself can be interesting.

She holds my heart, and I am trying my hardest to win hers.  When I rock her and she finally decides to snuggle close, sometimes I just sit and watch her breath.  I think, she is a fighter.  She went through heart failure and open heart surgery and ecmo and she did it alone.  You must have been a fighter too.  One day it will be easier to raise a child with a disability in your country. 

Some promises to you, from one mama to another.  I promise I will love her with all my heart forever.  I promise to hug and kiss her everyday.  I promise to continue to be thankful that you gave her life.  I promise to hold her and encourage her to try her hardest, even when she doesn't want to be pushed forward.  I promise to fight for her.  For medical care and education and whatever she needs.  I will fight with my last breath to do right by her.  From one mama to another, I will fight for both of us, because she is worth it. 

Friday, October 3, 2014


My kids have been watching a lot of Jonah the veggie tales version.  One line that always sticks out to me is when someone asks what compassion is and is told, "compassion is when you see someone who needs help, and you want to help them".  Pretty simple huh.  We could all use a little compassion every now and then. 

Meet Cliff.  Cliff is 6 years old and currently weighs 11 pounds.  Cliff needs some compassion.  Some serious compassion.  Can we all help him come home quickly?  I know personally, that many small donations add up to bring a child home.  To rescue a child forever.  To pay the ransom due to free him from his chains and let him spread his wings and fly free.  I can't imagine what his daily life is like. 

He reminds me of my Jo.  Living with daily issues that we would consider horrific or inhumane.  And he still has a smile on his face.  Her spirit was unbreakable in the end, and I think, his is too.  He is still smiling.  Smiling even though he is starving.  Smiling even though he is probably desperate for someone to hold and snuggle him.  Smiling.  Simply, smiling.  Please go here and drop Cliff some help, together we can bring him home.

Song that makes me think of Cliff <3

Hold on to me as we go
As we roll down this unfamiliar road
And although this wave is stringing us along

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear

The trouble—it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found

Just know you're not alone
'Cause I'm gonna make this place your home

Come home soon sweet boy!  Your mama and Daddy are waiting for you!