Whatever may come

Jo peed in the potty today.  They've been working on it at school and i decided just to try with her.  She had been sitting for a while and i held my hands up to see if she wanted me to pick her up and she refused and then a minute later peed and then grinned and held her hands up.  It was amazing.  Seriously.  I was typing to tell a friend about it and almost typed God is good.  And he is.  But you know what?  He wouldn't be any less good if she never peed in the potty.  If she never walks or talks or pees in the potty again it won't make him any less good.  It won't make her any less amazing, just the way she is.

I was talking with a friend today about realistic expectations for our kids.  I see differences in the way Jared and i look at our children with disabilities than i see in parents who have bio kiddos with disabilities.  We didn't have an unexpected diagnosis, and i wonder if that makes a difference?  We knew upfront that Jocelyn was very delayed, and we were cool with it.  I think it's a hard thing to have expectations and hopes for our children, i know i certainly did with all of my pregnancies.  We had hopes and dreams for them, still do of course.  I think having those dreams and then having to find a different set of dreams for your child would be one of the hardest things ever to do.  I don't pretend to understand how it feels b/c we have never been in those shoes.  We don't mourn our children's diagnosis's, b/c realistically if they didn't have them they most likely wouldn't be in our house right now.  Anyway, i think we are pretty realistic about the kiddo's in our home who have disabilities.  One will be able to live fairly independently and two will not.  One will be able to hold a job and two most likely will not.

And you know what?  That's totally ok!  I see so many stories in the news about this child with Down syndrome (or other disability) who was prom queen or has his own store or did amazing things and that is GREAT.  But not every kid with a disability is going to go to prom or college or move out or even learn how to use the bathroom.  And that is OK TOO.  I absolutely understand why the media and even families want to promote and see these stories.  But i would love to see stories of kids who one day decided to make eye contact for a second.  And how it filled her mama's heart with such joy.  Stories of how one day he decided  not to rage, and there was peace for a moment.  Stories of children who do their best to escape the house, or tear things up, or rock all day.  Who never speak.  Who never walk.  Who never leave the house.  B/c those children are amazing too.

They fill our hearts with the same love and joy and yes sorrow that our other children do.  Secret time?  Sometimes they fill our hearts even more than our typical kids when they finally meet our eyes.  B/c things don't always come easy to them. Most days it's not easy for them.  I do sometimes look at my children and wonder what will you be?  But i don't despair for them.  I want to see what they will be, who they will be.  Whatever may come, we are ok with it.

choices

Lanie had her open heart surgery on the 13th of may.  She did really well during and after surgery.  She ended up getting some fluid on her heart and lungs and we had to stay a couple of extra days but all is well and she is home now.

BUT.  Something pretty amazing happened when we were in the hospital.  She started crying when i would turn out the lights and go lay down at night.  If i got up and sat by her bed she would stop crying.  She has struggled with attachment, Jared and i feel fairly confident that she may have something else going on besides Down Syndrome.  Eye contact is hard for her and truthfully most days she is content to sit on the floor and stim with various toys.  We continue to work with her of course, but have also accepted that her attachment and progress will look different than our other kiddos. That is fine with us, just a different road to take.  For her to cry for me (Jared is undoubtedly her favorite round these parts) was simply amazing.

She was afraid and found comfort in me.  It sounds like such a simple thing.  Something i certainly took for granted before i had internationally adopted kids.  Watching Eli cry on the floor and refuse to be comforted was hard when he first got home, but helped prepare me for Jocelyn's flat out angry refusals to be comforted when she was upset.  Lanie has never really cared one way or another if we comfort her or not.  She will lay passively in our arms if we try and soothe her, or she will soothe herself if we don't.  I admit to feeling super tired one night and sort of laughing that this was the moment she would decide she wanted another person to soothe her, but seriously, what an amazing blessing to get to be the one who does life with this child.  I get to hold her and soothe her and grow with her.

She also decided that she really loves Hillsong kids songs, thanks to a super amazing friend who stayed with us for three weeks during vacation and surgery.  This is also AMAZING friends.  She stops fussing and listens and smiles when we turn on the music.  She fusses when the commercials come on.  She is making a CHOICE to listen to a specific set of songs, and shows displeasure when the songs go off.  I just feel like she is growing all the sudden, and i'm crazy excited to see where she will go next.

Side note:  Jared leaves to go to Bulgaria VERY soon to meet our new boys!!!  The excitement is high in this house!!!!

First trip

Quick note to say we have travel dates and Jared will be traveling to meet the boys in Early June!  We are super duper thrilled to tell the boys that they have a forever family!  I will be staying home with the other kids and then i will go on pickup trip with a friend.  We are down to needed less than 6k to be fully funded to ransom these two boys forever!

On another note, our Lanie is having heart surgery on this coming Wed.  I am feeling crazy anxiety about them cutting open my baby's chest, so please pray for her and for me if you have a spare one!

Just a quick update today, lots to do before surgery!