Whatever may come

Jo peed in the potty today.  They've been working on it at school and i decided just to try with her.  She had been sitting for a while and i held my hands up to see if she wanted me to pick her up and she refused and then a minute later peed and then grinned and held her hands up.  It was amazing.  Seriously.  I was typing to tell a friend about it and almost typed God is good.  And he is.  But you know what?  He wouldn't be any less good if she never peed in the potty.  If she never walks or talks or pees in the potty again it won't make him any less good.  It won't make her any less amazing, just the way she is.

I was talking with a friend today about realistic expectations for our kids.  I see differences in the way Jared and i look at our children with disabilities than i see in parents who have bio kiddos with disabilities.  We didn't have an unexpected diagnosis, and i wonder if that makes a difference?  We knew upfront that Jocelyn was very delayed, and we were cool with it.  I think it's a hard thing to have expectations and hopes for our children, i know i certainly did with all of my pregnancies.  We had hopes and dreams for them, still do of course.  I think having those dreams and then having to find a different set of dreams for your child would be one of the hardest things ever to do.  I don't pretend to understand how it feels b/c we have never been in those shoes.  We don't mourn our children's diagnosis's, b/c realistically if they didn't have them they most likely wouldn't be in our house right now.  Anyway, i think we are pretty realistic about the kiddo's in our home who have disabilities.  One will be able to live fairly independently and two will not.  One will be able to hold a job and two most likely will not.

And you know what?  That's totally ok!  I see so many stories in the news about this child with Down syndrome (or other disability) who was prom queen or has his own store or did amazing things and that is GREAT.  But not every kid with a disability is going to go to prom or college or move out or even learn how to use the bathroom.  And that is OK TOO.  I absolutely understand why the media and even families want to promote and see these stories.  But i would love to see stories of kids who one day decided to make eye contact for a second.  And how it filled her mama's heart with such joy.  Stories of how one day he decided  not to rage, and there was peace for a moment.  Stories of children who do their best to escape the house, or tear things up, or rock all day.  Who never speak.  Who never walk.  Who never leave the house.  B/c those children are amazing too.

They fill our hearts with the same love and joy and yes sorrow that our other children do.  Secret time?  Sometimes they fill our hearts even more than our typical kids when they finally meet our eyes.  B/c things don't always come easy to them. Most days it's not easy for them.  I do sometimes look at my children and wonder what will you be?  But i don't despair for them.  I want to see what they will be, who they will be.  Whatever may come, we are ok with it.